Self-evaluation: the Judith Warner Motherhood Misery Index

The blogosphere continues to be roiled by last week's Judith Warner Newsweek article. Blogging mamas everywhere are stepping up to the virtual microphone to dispute with Warner's conclusions.

I think that we need to stop fighting it. Listen, ladies. Judith Warner is clearly an expert in her field. First, she has worked for Newsweek, a highly technical and well-respected journal of sociological inquiry. Second, she talked to about 150 women, some of whom were not even her friends, while researching this book. Third, her book was reviewed by the New York Times, so it must be true!

Now that we've accepted that there is no arguing with her, I think we should move on to a grave and sober evaluation of the sad mess we've all made of our motherhoods. To help us make a clear-eyed assessment of the ruin of our lives, I hereby offer the following diagnostic quiz.

1. Did you nurse your child/children?

a. No (5 pts)
b. Three months or less (5 pts)
c. Six months or less (5 pts)
d. One year-ish (5 pts)
e. Through kindergarten (5 pts)

2. Co-sleeping?

a. Guilty (5 pts)
b. Not guilty (5 pts)

3. Number of books read to child/children before showering in the morning

a. 0 (5 pts)
b. 1-5 (5 pts)
c. 6-10 (5 pts)
d. Volumes A-Je of the Encyclopedia Britannica (5 pts)

4. Number of hours of television child/children watch while you shower in the morning

a. My child/children NEVER watch television! (5 pts)
b. 0-1 (5 pts)
c. 2-6 (5 pts)
d. Shower? (5 pts)

5. Do you now, or have you ever, had dreams about Curious George?

a. Yes (5 pts)
b. No (5 pts)

6. Have you worn "go-anywhere" sandals to go somewhere?

a. Yes, dear God, yes! (5 pts)
b. Don't wear sandals, can't afford the scandal. (5pts)

7. Have you eaten any of the following "kids' foods" while parenting your child/children?

a. Pizza (0 pts)
b. Fruit (0 pts)
c. Vegetables (0 pts)
d. Berry-blast yogurt in sparkly foil tube (0 pts)

8. You are in charge of decorations for your child/children's school holiday party. What style do you use to hand-decorate the paper plates?

a. Cubism (5 pts)
b. Pointillism (5 pts)
c. Photorealism (5 pts)
d. Art Deco (5 pts)

9. Pick the phrase that best describes you

a. Good Daughter of the Reagan Revolution (5 pts)
b. Good Daughter of the American Revolution (5 pts)
c. Girl Who Could Have Done Anything (5 pts)
d. Huh? (5 pts)

10. Describe the quality and availability of child care in your area

a. Priced beyond my reach, and staffed by level 3 sex offenders (5 pts)
b. Relatively affordable, but places in the best day-care centers must be reserved 6-8 years in advance (5 pts)
c. I am hoping for appointment to public office. Therefore, my lawyer has advised me not to disclose anything about my child-care arrangements (5 pts)
d. Child care is affordable and easily available. But we cannot get good croissants like they have in France! (5 pts)

Add up the total of your points. If your total is

<45 Motherhood is to you "an awful burden." Everything you have done is wrong.

=45 Everything you have done is wrong. Motherhood, to you, is "an awful burden."

>45 Cheri, there is no hope for you. Move to France.

I hope this exercise has been helpful to the mamas of America. Only by recognizing our shortcomings can we begin to overcome them, becoming the perfectly flawless goddesses our offspring require. Thank you.