The political and the personal

LG went to bed sort of early last night, and Mr. Blue, who had to miss dinner at home due to work duties, was pretty bummed out. It's hard on him when he doesn't have a lot of time to spend with the kids in the evenings. But he is a good daddy as well as a fun daddy, so, when LG let it be known that he was tired and ready for bed, Mr. Blue said goodnight to LG with a minimum of grumbling. But he tried to cheer himself up about LG's early bedtime by reminding LG that the next night we "have so much to do!"

"Why? Where are we going, Daddy?"

"We're not going anywhere," Mr. Blue said, "but tomorrow is the election and we have to watch all the coverage." They have a tradition in which they spend election night bent over maps of the United States, a basket of magic markers at their side, coloring in the states as they're declared for one side or the other. (OK, yes, LG is five years old. But if you've done something once and intend to do it again, that's a tradition, right?)

"Don't forget!" said Mr. Blue as he got up from giving LG a goodnight kiss. "Tomorrow you can tell all your friends to tell their parents to vote for Deval Patrick!"

"Daddy," LG said sternly. "I am not going to do that. They can make their own choices."

A lot of you have been writing about your experiences calling voters for this election, and some of you have been exhorting the rest of us to do the same. I admire you guys who have. I haven't made any phone calls, and I've been feeling guilty about it. I said something about my guilt to Mr. Blue last night, as he was listening to a message on our answering machine from someone who was (shyly, tentatively) reading her script to urge us to vote the Democratic ticket.

Mr. Blue looked at me like I had just sprouted zits all over my face. (Oh, wait -- I had just sprouted zits all over my face. Damn PMS.) "Why?" he said. "You would HATE doing that."

Well, yeah. I have what is best described as a sort of phone phobia. I have enormous trouble using the telephone in any situation. I don't really like speaking to friends and family on the phone, but I've found it almost impossible to speak to people that I don't know well. For years, Mr. Blue has had to make medical appointments for me, order the take-out food, arrange for children's activities that couldn't be mailed in or done online. At the last job I held, years ago now, an understanding boss used to make accomodations for me when it came to having to make phone calls. I once gave up a freelance job I really enjoyed because my life had become one constant panic attack over the handful of phone interviews I needed to do for each article.

It doesn't take a rocket psychiatrist to figure out that my phone phobia is the most acute legacy of the childhood issues I've blogged about before, about hearing and being heard. It's gotten somewhat better over the past few years -- after going to same office weekly for years, I can now call my allergist without too much angst. I've been able to call for take-out pizza on the nights that Mr. Blue is away teaching, mostly by picturing the well-known faces behind the counter at the neighborhood pizzeria. I am really proud of myself for being able to call an unknown person to schedule an appointment to take a look at this preschool this week. It's a huge step for me (just like returning the shoes). But still, obviously, the phone phobia is something that I'll probably need to work on in therapy before making any long-term decisions about What to Do with My Life.

Honestly, though, if somehow my phone phobia were to disappear overnight, I'm still not sure I'd be comfortable making those phone calls. I'd rather persuade by explaining my own choices than by exhorting other people to make theirs my way. I'd rather make people feel comfortable than challenged (and I think that's a more effective way of changing minds, anyway); but I'm not skilled enough at verbal discourse to do that over the phone, even when I'm not having a panic attack over it.

But the work of exhortation is valuable and needs to be done. I wish I was a different sort of person, one who could make those sorts of contributions. In the meantime, though, if you know anyone who needs campaign materials edited or proofread before the 2008 elections, send them my way. That, I can do.